My Pipe, My Boots And My Lord


Words & Music: Jake Thackray

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Bring me me pipe, call for me wife, pass my boots and I’ll be satisfied,
with me pipe in me mouth, wife in me arms and me boot up the Landlord’s backside.

I lead a peaceful life, I’m the unobtrusive type :
I live for my ever-loving wife and my evil-smelling pipe.
Though my darling loves me well, she often heaps abuse
on me pipe and its poxy smell, but me pipe has got its usefulness…
…for when our huffing, puffing Landlord calls upon us,
crushing our humble privet under his Jag,
I light my pipe and I defy his bluster
by blowing billows of my blackest shag
up his Homburg…

Bring me me pipe, call for me wife, pass my boots and I’ll be satisfied,
with me pipe in me mouth, wife in me arms and me boot up the Landlord’s backside.

And after my supper I like to enjoy matrimonial bliss :
I retire to the sofa with me pipe and dally with my missus.
But my little wife protests : my little wife asserts
she could kiss me with a lot more zest if I took me pipe out first…
…but when our narrow-eyed landlord comes to call upon us,
prodding our garden gnome with his walking stick,
I tap him in the chest with me pipe stem, confidentially,
and watch my black tobacco juices trickle
down his mohair…

Bring me me pipe, call for me wife, pass my boots and I’ll be satisfied,
with me pipe in me mouth, wife in me arms and me boot up the Landlord’s backside.

And at the end of the day, I sit up in bed and I smoke,
peacefully puffing away till me wife has finished her cocoa.
But my little wife protests that smoking in bed incurs
burn marks on me chest, and a few too many on hers…
…but when our smirking Landlord comes to call upon us,
I can look him straight in his moustache,
remaining ever so calm and ever so courteous,
and ever so gently knockin’ out me ash on
his Hush Puppies…

Bring me me pipe, call for me wife, pass my boots and I’ll be satisfied,
with me pipe in me mouth, wife in me arms and me boot up the Landlord’s backside.

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