Leopold Alcox

Words & Music: Jake Thackray

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Leopold Alcox, my distant relation,
Came to my flat for a brief visitation.
He's been here since February, damn and blast him!
My nerves and my furniture may not outlast him.

Leopold Alcox is accident prone,
He's lost my bath-plug, he's ruptured my telephone.
My antirrhinums, my motorbike, my sofa:
There isn't anything he can't trip over.

As he roams through my rooms, all my pussycats scatter,
My statuettes tremble, then plummet, then shatter.
My table-lamps tumble with grim regularity.
My cut glass has crumbled - and so has my charity.

Leopold Alcox, an uncanny creature,
He can't take tea without some misadventure:
He looks up from his tea cup with a smirk on his features
And a slice of my porcelain between his dentures.

He's upset my goldfish, he's jinxed my wisteria,
My budgie's gone broody, my tortoise has hysteria.
He cleans my teapots, my saucepans, with Brasso
And leaves chocolate fingerprints on my Picasso.

Leopold Alcox, never known to fail,
Working his way through my frail Chippendales.
One blow from his thighs, which are fearsomely strong,
Would easily fracture the wing of a swan.

I brought home my bird for some Turkish moussaka.
Up looms old Leopold; I know when I'm knackered.
He spills the vino, the great eager beaver,
Drenching her jump-suit and my joie de vivre.

Leopold Alcox. stirring my spleen;
You are the grit in my life's Vaseline.
A pox on you Alcox! You've been here since Feb'ry.
Go home and leave me alone with my debris.

So Leopold Alcox, my distant relation,
Has gone away home after his visitation.
I glimpsed him waving bye-bye this last minute -
Waving his hand with my door knob still in it.

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