a new song – see what you think

A little nervously, I am posting here is a song I have written, Jake-ish in style. See what you think.

The human race has run two million years more or less
And in that time some are inclined to see some signs of progress
But in one respect you will detect no trace of evolution
One fundamental question to which man has found no solution

The bible first gives testament to man’s predicament.
God plays the game of name and shame and blames a certain serpent.
As soon as Adam ate that apple, his punishment began…
Eve asked an evil question, and so began the fall of man….

Does my bottom look big in this?
Adamant was Adam ‘bout the truth of his repost
But one look from Eve was all it took to prove paradise was lost
Does my bottom look big in this?
Well…?

The myth says Helen’s face launched a fleet a thousand mighty
(Though it’s for her rear, or so I hear, she was picked by Aphrodite)
And her lover boy from Troy was filled with joy undiminished
Until he heard the fateful words, and then he knew that he was finished

Does my bottom look big in this?
Any Myth World Competition Helen would win of course
But in her eyes her rear’s the size of the rear side of the Trojan Horse
Does my bottom look big in this?
Well…?

Emperor Claudius had eloquence and an elegant demeanour
And he remained that way until the day he married Agrippina
You inquire where he acquired that legendary stutter?
The emperess was unimpressed with the answer he did utter:

Does my bottom look big in this?
The die was cast poor Cl-Cl-Claudius knew not what to say
So she popped the poison onto Caesar’s salad and they carted his corpse away
Does my bottom look big in this?
I’m waiting…

For Josephine Napoleon would always march that extra mile,
As he fought for his femme fatale from Trafalgar to the Nile
mais quand elle a dit les mots terribles he knew not what to do
En realit?© that was the day that Boney met his Waterloo.

Est-ce que j‚Äôai un gros derri?®re?
Alarm spread from the rear, in tears he threw up a smokescreen
Then on his boney knees he begged her ‘Please, not tonight, Josephine’.

In chic Paris the models in their outfits all parade
So tight upon their hips they’re never zipped but always sprayed
And though most every woman wears a dress size minus ten
They still possess the same obsession which petrifies all men

Does my bottom look big in this?
Though any fellow would figure her figure would make a flagpole look obese
Every male is fated to fail the woman to appease
Does my bottom look big in this?
Tell me trully

In every time and place, we face the curse of the behind
Were you to traverse the universe the same dilemma you would find
If some two-headed aliens should ever stray towards our star
The fixation of the female would be familiar.

Do my bottoms look big in this?
Does my bottom look big in this?
Est-ce que j‚Äôai un gros derri?®re?

I want you to tell me the truth…
Strewth!

© 2003 Paul Thompson

[philreckless]

Bloody Hell Paul, that’s brillaint! – I can hear Jakes’ voice singing that one. I hope to hear it live, with the guitar accomp as soon as possible – at the Northwest fest, if not before.
Well done.
Phil

[KeithD]

First class, Paul! :laugh:

[Malcy]

A fine summary of a classic male dilemma.

Purely in the spirit of public information, I append the following for our gentlemen readers :

The 5 toughest questions women ask – and their answers

The five questions are:
1 – “What are you thinking?”
2 – “Do you love me?”
3 – “Do I look fat?”
4 – “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 – “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 – “What are you thinking?”
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.”
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of
five things:
a – Football.
b – Cricket.
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

2 – “Do you love me?”
The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear”. Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes ?
c – That depends on what you mean by “love”…
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?

3 – “Do I look fat?”
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”
The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

5 – “What would you do if I died?”
Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why
do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.
“No, of couse not, dear” said the husband.
“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.
“Of course I do, dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long
pause.
“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly.”And would you let her wear my
old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose
you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She is left-handed.”

[Judith]

Sorry, what I posted here should have been a new thread, but I couldn’t find how to delete the posting completely. Look in “Off-Topic Threads” for “Not a song”.

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